Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”