Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.