Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
me 2 months after i graduated
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.