Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
How many? 🤔
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
so weird how every mom was born today
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.