Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My sex drive has a dui
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
sweet dreams💖
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.