Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅