Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds