Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.