caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
#SaturdayBears
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.