Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

🤣could you imagine

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.