Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
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Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Where is your GOD now????
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados