*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”