Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

How to draw a duck

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.