Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?