[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
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u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I only look at Wordle for the articles
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.