calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Hank is one in a melon.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.