calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Dammit Chief not again
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.