Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy