Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.