Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……