Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

whatcha thinkin bout

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

You are what you delete.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler