Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

they should invent a rest for the wicked

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Best seat on the street 😍

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Phones down.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries