Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.