Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
look scared
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
screw you
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream