Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL