Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.