Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

selena gomez

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

Camel dough

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?