@panmidwest

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

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@travisauruss

MAN TO LIZARD: “SO I HEAR YOU’RE IN FLOORING SALES”

LIZARD: “IM MORE IN PROMOTION”

MAN: “WHAT DO YOU DO”

LIZARD: “I REP TILE”

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

@YayForAnxiety

Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@SarahJonesVent

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

@Brampersandon_

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

@RumAndReeses

My husband grew a beard and suddenly I’m having to karate chop every woman we pass.