[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Thursday
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
oh no, steve’s working tonight
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*