Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.