Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

good work, everybody

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY