[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

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Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.


A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!


Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body

Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body

Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me

Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?

Head: *explodes*


wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”


If I don’t make some serious changes to my life, they’ll never let me into the gates of heaven.

So who can teach me how to pick a lock?


instagram: wow, everyone is way more put together than i thought

twitter: wow, everyone is way more fucked up than i thought

facebook: wow, grandad is way more racist than i thought


whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)


I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.


[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?