[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas
[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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Tin Man: I want a heart
Cowardly Lion: I want courage
Scarecrow: and a brain
Me: lemme get uhhhhhh
There is a conspiracy theory that Bill Gates created the Coronavirus. I’ve used the Windows system and believe me, that virus would have frozen and crashed long ago.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?