[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*