Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body
Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body
Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me
Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
If I don’t make some serious changes to my life, they’ll never let me into the gates of heaven.
So who can teach me how to pick a lock?
instagram: wow, everyone is way more put together than i thought
twitter: wow, everyone is way more fucked up than i thought
facebook: wow, grandad is way more racist than i thought
whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?