Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.