*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
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Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
lol
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*