*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I am having an out of money experience.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead