Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.