*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti