*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Every haunted house movie:
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.