*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
these two trucks have the same bed length
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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
HOW DARE YOU
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog