Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
*looks at you in batman voice*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.