Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
You Might Also Like
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Why am I like this?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?