Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I finally found a reason to live again.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.