Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.