Me: he’s cute, how old is he?
Guy: 25 months
Me: first kid?
Guy: yeah, how’d you know?
Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
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My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control
-me, in this hotel room
I could NOT have put it better myself.
me: the usual
bartender: [hands me box of tissues]
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”