@SteussieErica

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”

@ItsMeHelenMary

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

@izrigrod

Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”

@skittle624

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

@egg_dog

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

@Brentweets

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”