[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
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Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.