Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
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[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
(Electricians.)
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.