Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
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[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.