Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
