Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
You Might Also Like
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’