Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
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I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
#MeanwhileinCanada
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space![]()
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[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse