[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
your daddy is a what now?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Ironic
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Have a lovely day 😊
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*