Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

Uh oh 👀

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.