Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.