Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

do u think theres a butter planet?

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.