Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

my proudest tweet

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

tell em, edith-anne

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony