Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
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My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The asteroid..
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster