calling in to work dehydrated
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One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
#StillHurts
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?