Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.