Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You Might Also Like
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
What the dentist sees
“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”
Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know