Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
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I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.