Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Perfection.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!