Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
A drum solo but on your face.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.