Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
wut hotdog?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.