Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

when u come home smelling like another dog

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

ACED my prostate exam!

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

there’s probably a fee though

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.