Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very problematic

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

bags with threatening auras

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

This a good idea

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.