*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
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So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Bear knowledge
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too