Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

There’s never enough good news

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.