[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I hope google does well on my son’s test
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*