Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.