[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please


*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*face melts*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*


Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire


“You will regret this later” is not what to write in an engagement card, apparently.


I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”


*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
*goes back to sleep*