[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

You Might Also Like


Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!


When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver


[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic


I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.


Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?


Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.


Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.


ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.


Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.


Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.