@MarfSalvador

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

You Might Also Like

@zebrasyndicate

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

@WilliamRodgers

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

@eyeswidebutt

[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic

@1evilidiot

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

@EvanJKessler

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

@GrumpyBahr

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

@Cheeseboy22

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

@dubiousgenius

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

@jmspool

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

@edawg_eric

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.