Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.