Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.