Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes