Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
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13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Strange
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.