@rn_murse

Calling my work product a dog’s breakfast is really insulting to the high standards set by the canine food industry.

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@Tmoney68

According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”

@UncleBob56

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

@Fact

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

@ibid78

Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?

@4owe5i

was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?