Calling my work product a dog’s breakfast is really insulting to the high standards set by the canine food industry.

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According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”


Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same


A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.


Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?


was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns


Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?


drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?