Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?