Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.